Today I had my hair cut really short.
These days, I seem to be grasping to find a way to boost my self esteem, and right now, at 9:14 pm, I'm not so sure the hair cut was the best way to start.
I vividly remember the day Elsie was born.
We had ourselves a beautiful baby girl and as I lay in the hospital bed nursing, snuggling and loving her, I did a quick flash through my childhood and all those memorable moments that I went through as a girl; moments that I am thinking the two of us could go through together.
The good and bad moments.
I think it was then that it hit me, nurturing her self esteem was going to be a huge part of my time spent parenting. I want Elsie and Brynn to be confident and feel good about themselves always. I spent a significant part of my adolescence worrying about what others thought of me, and I don't want them to share those same burdens.
To be honest, I still worry.
Pretty enough? Thin enough? Athletic enough? Stylish? Popular?
I'd like to say that I've grown out of my insecurities, but I have not.
Today my insecurities seem to be crashing in all around me
(again, might not have been the best move to make a drastic image change, but, it's a little too late to go back).
At this point in time, I'm heavier than I've ever been, which is especially frustrating when just 3 months ago I was in good enough shape to run that silly relay. Since finishing that race, I've gone downhill. Even more frustrating, I can't come up with one good reason for my drastic slump. I have no desire to exercise, I want to cry because all of my clothes are slightly uncomfortable, I can't seem to stop eating totally un-nutritious things is ridiculously large volumes, I feel unattractive and am tired.
Right now, I am clearly 'off.'
I can tell it's beginning to affect my family and I can't believe things are so far off track.
Time for me to refocus, take control and start taking care of myself, mentally and physically.
I kind of want to take this time and show my girls what it means to be a confident, feminine momma. They are young, impressionable and very observant; I want them to remember me from their youth as their cheerleader, not their very own Debbie Downer.
I kind of want to take this time and show my girls what it means to be a confident, feminine momma. They are young, impressionable and very observant; I want them to remember me from their youth as their cheerleader, not their very own Debbie Downer.
(p.s. sorry to be a downer)
5 comments:
First, I love you and your honesty, and you aren't a Debbie Downer- you are a bff who needs some love :) You need a girlfriend to assure you that your hair is fab (I'll bet it is! Major haircuts always take some time to adjust!), and then we would need to do some retail therapy and find some items that could transform the whole wardrobe, and then we could go jogging- just far enough that we'll feel sore the next day- and then we could go to lunch and eat something yummy (I've been craving a NY City Sub!) and while we eat we'll make a list called "Why Andrea is Awesome." Should we fit a pedicure in too? We could giggle at how awkward it is when the pedicurist talks to her friends in their foreign language, and we can only assume that they are talking about us! Why oh why do we have to be so far apart?
I understand how you feel- I've felt that way too. Not feeling good about yourself really takes its toll on every aspect of life. I don't really remember what snapped me out of the funk, but perhaps it is just a season- a rough patch- that will turn around soon.
You don't see what others see- you are beautiful (your eyes are the prettiest blue with the longest lashes!), and stylish (I really want to see your new haircut! I'll bet it is adorable!), and confident, and personable, and funny, and even if you aren't exercising as you'd like, you are athletic and healthy.
Your girls will see you as their cheerleader- you are doing a great job, and I'm sure that you are building in them a strong sense of self-esteem.
Don't be too hard on yourself- you are loved, and you will come through this rough patch to the other side, and you will feel confident again.
I love you so much, and what are you doing this weekend? Could we meet in Portland? I could probably work it out to meet you on Sunday. Could it work? Or maybe next weekend??
I LOVE YOU!!!
Oh Andrea! You are so not alone. Who hasn't felt this way at one time or another? It's a funk, pure and simple. I have to start with how adorable and perfect I think you are and remind you that you are your own worst critic. We all are.
You are doing an amazing job with your girls and I think it's great that you are aware of how your attitudes toward yourself can shape them.
Try to give yourself a break!!! Don't be so hard on yourself! :) I am sure your hair is so cute. No pic?
I wish we all lived closer because our weekly bloggers lunch mtg would cure all that ales you! :)))
Okay, I do have a tiny tip from one work out drop out girl to another. Walking a couple miles a day not only helps with the third serving of mashed potatoes :) but with stress and so much more. I have taken a huge break from it because I was sick. But I was just telling Doug last night how much I miss our evening walks. And even though my thighs will be rubbing together as I go, I know it makes me feel so much better!
Chin up! We are all in your fan club!!!
Annie and I just pumped you up at the SAME TIME!!! Great minds think alike and see what our little blogging team could do if we all lived in the same place! :)
Oh, the pressures we inflict on ourselves! You are not alone, friend! I think it's safe to say that we both share a Type A personality and like things both feeling and being near-perfect.
Funny, 'cause just this morning I was thinking about you and your hair and I was going to email you to see if you did the deed. I think bravery scores you some serious points, unlike me who has managed to keep the same hairstyle just about all my adult years. Give yourself credit for that at least, and I am sure that you'll have a better perspective once the newness wears off.
You are adorable, by the way! You really are. From the outside, it looks like you've got it all. And the most important thing is that I know you are a wonderful mommy! We can't be perfect for our children, either. And in our flaws I think there's lessons there. And neither one of your girls looks like they are lacking any confidence. They both seem outgoing and happy.
Hang in there and maybe just spend a little more time with yourself...and don't feel guilty doing so! Sounds like your self is whispering that it needs a little extra attention! :)
(And then maybe I could take my own advice!)
I love you girls!
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