Trouble Trusting

"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase."

Martin Luther King Jr.

Lately, I've been having trouble trusting.

Trusting in that God is in control, and that I need to let Him do His work.

Trusting that things are moving the direction intended, not because of me, but because of the greater plan He has designed for us.

Trusting that things will work out, even without my fretting, worrying, fussiness, and desperate attempts to fix it all.

Allow me to elaborate.

Just this week a golden opportunity came along, a potential job offer for Q. In March, it will be a year since Q has worked. It will be a year since Brynn has been at home full time and a year since I am convinced the necessity to dye my hair has become more critical month after month (grey hair joke!) Life's not been easy. Money seems to run through this household like water through a colander...ok, maybe something a little thicker than water, but you know where I'm at.

Everything hinged on there being availability at the school where the girls recently left. And within one quick 10 minute phone call, we learned there's a 3 month wait for Brynn to have a spot. I immediately was bummed; and Q's first response to me was, "can you think of a way to fix this?" Simple enough question, right?

Wrong - the question was loaded.

Instantly I was in a tail spin. How could I fix this? How could I have an answer to this problem? Why couldn't I make this work. Answer was...it's beyond my control. Way beyond my control.

I turned into a crazy woman. I was mad at Q. Mad at the school. Mad at almost everyone who asked me about the situation, anyone who even just looked at me. I was mad at being me being mad. Maybe, more than anything, I was mad at the fact that there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. Not a thing.

I kept thinking to myself, in fleeting moments, that I just needed to relax and trust that things would work out. But for some reason, trusting seemed nearly impossible. All of this in the past tense because now the fiasco, the drama and the stress seems to have subsided. But the true issue at heart is that I am having trouble trusting in the Lord. And, it makes me sad.

This year has been a rough one for the Wilson's. Probably the most difficult to date. And for all my worries, all my sleepless nights and angry spells, the Lord has really answered. If I look back at all our events this year, there's been a consistent pattern...event occurs...I freak out...I begin to feel helpless...I finally figure it out that I need to do some serious prayer time...and without fail the problems do eventually resolve.

Q's job situation will work itself out. I would have to be blind if I didn't see that him being home this past year has been amazing for the girls and his relationship. I know they have a connection that is far more strong than before, and for this I am so thankful. I've got to try and look on the bright side of things. We didn't loose everything with our houseing fiasco. In fact, we are happier in the cottage than in the big house. Our credit wasn't affected to terribly and we do still have a home.

I think my problem hinges on patience and timing. When I want it fixed, I want it fixed yesterday and I'm getting worse and worse as I get older. That whole 'patience is a virtue' seems to be a virtue that eludes me.

When I arrived to work this morning, the quote above was in an email - like someone stuck their hand through the computer screen and slapped me.

Someone was saying...have faith and trust....and I'm saying...I'll try to do my best.