It's been a while since I've posted something heartfelt - so, get ready, get set, here I go!
Lately, I can't exactly pinpoint when it all started, but I have this incredibly strong and unpredictable 'switch' that keeps going off at any given moment. It's the angry switch and I can't figure out a way to turn the damn thing off. Once it's on, I'm done.
I really thought that once we had our housing issues sort of wrapped up I would really chill out. But no. I have been wound up so tight, and consumed with all the things that I need to worry about, that at any given moment I can snap. It's terrible. The people that flip my switch the most, are the people that I love the very most - Q and the girls. They don't even try, they don't even have to. I can loose it at any given moment, for any number of reasons.
I know it's starting to wear on Q and I feel like the girls are almost scared of me sometimes - gosh, writing that, makes me tear up. The hardest part of all is that even I don't know why I get so upset, and I haven't yet figured out how to deal with this inner rage that seems to just take over. Some days I truly just want to crawl in a hole and hide.
My mom and I were talking about this today and she assured me that I'm not alone; she's dealt with it too. It made me feel better, but still, it would be so much better if I could find a way to handle this. And then she asked the million dollar question, "how's your faith?" It was like she zapped me with a stun gun. There's a huge void right now in my life - God is missing. And I didn't even notice.
So, I have this great plan, to reconnect and re-read A Purpose Driven Life. I think it will really bring me back to that happy place. Redirection, inspiration, motivation, just something. All day today I tried to find time to start reading again and I couldn't find just five minutes. Even worse, I can't find the book because it's still packed away in the garage in some random box somewhere...and so, guess what, I am upset. Why can't I have just 10 minutes to myself to make an attempt to make myself a better mom? wife? friend? person in general? Or just to find the book!?
We are headed out tomorrow morning to go camping for the next week, and I'm feeling super anxious. I want so badly to enjoy myself and make sure we all have a wonderful time, but the more I begin to think about the whole week, the more anxious and fearful I become that I'm going to have "moments" and I just don't want to. It's going to be hot, and that lately, has been flipping the switch. The trailer is going to get dirty and disorganized, and those things lately, have been flipping the switch. I'm worried that Q is going to 'forget' about helping and get totally wrapped up in fishing, boating and hanging out with his brothers. Being on duty without a break, will most certainly flip the switch.
I'm going to make one more attempt tonight to dig in the garage and find my cure-all book. I'm hoping I can take it camping with us and hopefully find some time to read and process and find that happy place again. When your husband asks you to smile...it's pretty obvious it's time to make an effort.
4 comments:
First, this is not Sally- it's Sadina commenting from my mama's and I don't want to log her off so sorry about that!
Second, I always love and appreciate your heartfelt posts. I just wanted you to know that.
Third, and Lisa can totally vouch for this, I called her just two days ago and was saying some of the same exact things. I'm not the person that I'm wanting to be lately, especially not the wife I want to be! I'm short-fused with Danny and it's been that way ever since having Hanna. He has remained patient with me but I fear that understanding will end soon if I don't knock it off! It's almost as if since having Han that I feel I'm on this high horse and that I have so many other "important" things to do besides being a good wife! Duh. It makes no sense. I've also felt more judgemental than I care to be and that is definitely not the kind of person I want to be! Not so much to people I know but just random people I find myself summing up at a glance. It's the most un-Christian way to be, I know. I too was saying to Lisa that I need to create the time in my life to bring God back to the center of it.
I don't think it helps that I had something extremely hurtful and intentionally malicious happen to me a few months ago by someone in the family I thought I knew. That single incident has made me lose so much faith in the goodness of people. I have chosen to completely write that person off because she doesn't deserve to be in my life BUT that does not mean that I have to lose hope in people and be jaded. I can simply feel sorry for the sadness in her own life and not let it effect me beyond that.
I guess what I'm trying to say Andrea is that you are NOT alone! We all have ruts in our life and I applaud you for noting it and deciding to take action! That alone makes you one step above the rest! I think the book is a perfect place to start! I don't have a "how to..." for you because I'm in the same boat BUT I do think that checking back in to God's word is the single best way to attain direction, focus, and hopefully the self-control needed!
So, as much as I didn't intend this comment to be all about me, I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone, it's normal, and that I LOVE this post! :)))))
WOW! Andrea you have no idea how much I can vouch for Sadina on this one and add a big ditto from me!!! We spent hours on the phone this week talking about this very issue and trying to figure out how to change our behavior! I am so proud of you for being so honest as usual and just so you know you are soooo not alone!
I am a total stinker and super judgemental lately! I can get pretty sassy and angry over very little! Like you I find myself wondering where my faith is... I barely even pray anymore at all. Maybe we could start by praying for each other!
P.S. As usual Sadina's and my life seems to parallel each other's...and I had a really hurtful situation happen to me a couple of months ago too with a family member. This person has chosen to be out of my life and it has made me pretty hurt and jaded too. I just want to let the stress and negativity go and start a fresh new chapter. Maybe my family and most importantly my marriage will reap the rewards!
I love this post too :))))))))! Really couldn't have come at a better time! Have the best calmest :) camping trip ever!
ANDREA!!! I can't tell you how much I love your honesty. Isn't it amazing how our mom's can ask the most simple questions that really hit at the heart of what is going on? I know that when I am feeling unsettled, figuring out the issue is the hardest part. Sometimes it takes that special person that knows you the best to figure out what is weighing in on you. I want you to know that you are not alone in this. You know my deep dark secrets, and you personally know my ugly side! When you are feeling like your switch is about to go off or it already has-just remember that we all have our days that our light switches go on with out warning. I hope that you found your book before the camping trip. I know that "Blue Like Jazz" is the book that really hits a soft spot in me and my faith. I hope that by finding the time to read that it will help bring you back to that "happy" place. I love you!
Great post, Andrea, and I too can relate! I have the angry switch, and it is ugly. Devon has actually asked me to stop screaming because it scares Lucy. Ouch.
My specific prayer for you is that as your family gets settled into the new house, and the dust settles from the move, that you will truly be able to take a deep breath and feel less wound up. And Purpose Driven Life is such a great book-- I've read it a couple of times myself, and I could probably use to read it again now :)
I love you so much, and as I finish up this comment as the one-handed-lactating-blogger, I will assure you again that you are not alone and that I miss you everyday!!
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